Day 23-25

Day 23 was a great afternoon full of meetings following a morning of calamity (I cut myself on broken glass, set off the fire alarm twice, spilled things all over the kitchen, and had to run to my meeting all because I was trying to make a pot of soup that didn't even taste good when I was done with it). I met with a fellow who works in the Johnson Center for Philanthropy here in Grand Rapids. He asked me all kinds of questions about who I was, what I wanted to do, what I needed from a job, and what I wanted from a job. He said he'd see if a few phone calls he could make would yield anything. I left feeling like even if nothing came of it, it was great to sit down and talk with him because it helped me to organize my mind.

After this meeting, I had a more informal chat with someone from Bazzani Associates, a green builder here. I now know where to go to buy some shoes that don't make my feet hurt and that supports local businesses, and may have a contact for playing league soccer here. Yes!!! I just have to get my turf toe healed first -- hence, the new shoes! We talked in Global Infusion, which I always like going to because it's where I got engaged. :)

That was all Wednesday. On Thursday I met with some folks from the Grand Rapids Community Foundation. I just can't believe how open people have been to meeting me and talking about what I'm doing. It felt weird to be back in another foundation; even though this one was a community foundation and not another private foundation, it had the same kind of quiet, opulent feel to its offices and they were definitely the most dressed up of all the other people I've met with. Is this just a foundation thing?

Now, I feel that for being gainfully unemployed, my last 2 weeks have been extremely busy. After the Thursday meeting, I took off for the town I moved away from just over a month ago: Albion. I went and saw my friend perform in the Vagina Monologues and hung out with the Albion posse again. Isn't it strange how at the same moment, it can seem as though you never left and you left long, long ago?

Since I got home at 3 AM, I didn't do anything on Friday except put my spices into a cabinet because...after a little over a month...I now have a residence. It's going to be the place I've been staying, but now that it's decided, I get to UNPACK!!!!

I've also been thinking...even if nothing job-related comes of all of these meetings I've had in the past month, I can see a huge difference in myself from my first meeting to the last one I had. I am so much more comfortable talking to people. I am better at conversation, better at reading people small cues about when to go and when to leave, better at establishing a connection (but probably still not that great at that). And I am much, much better about going out and just talking. My first couple meetings I remember obsessively reading as much as I could about the people, taking notes, trying to memorize newspaper clippings, and thinking that I would need to spout as much of this as possible when I met with the person so that they could see I knew my stuff. I realized that they don't care. I still will review the company the person works for, but I don't feel the need to wow them with my knowledge of their organization...I think I may have seemed like a bit of a nervous ass in my first couple meetings. Oh well...live and learn!

I'm off for the weekend to get my taxes done with the help of my future father-in-law. Should be interesting.

Days 21 & 22

Monday was a triple whammy. I had a meeting with the fellow who oversees the Greater Grand Rapids Food Systems Council, and then had a meeting with the executive director of the organization it's a part of, West Michigan Environmental Action Council. Then, I went to lunch with the executive director of Mixed Greens, who I'd met with a couple weeks ago, to talk about framing the food system. Between her and her husband and I, we had an interesting conversation about communication, food, liberals and conservatives and framing, and what it might look like to have all the food activists in Grand Rapids come together. I left feeling so excited - like I might be on to something that would either turn into a job or be a great way to be involved in my new community. I also may have found a spot for the community garden TM wants to start!

I came home and made some phone calls and talked with some other people about the idea and that stupid familiar feeling of but this will never really work...I can't do it...it's too much for me set in. I don't understand why that defeatist attitude always descends. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing, which exacerbates my defeatism and depressive nature like clockwork. I'm talking atomic clockwork.

I woke up on Tuesday still in this funk...so instead of getting up and exercising I lolled in bed, only partially grateful for my chance to sleep in after several days of little sleep. It was a beautiful and warm day, one of those wonderful reprieves we get in Michigan this time of year, and I wanted to get outside and enjoy it. Instead, I had all kinds of piddly little things I've let go by the wayside, and needed to tie some things up, so I spent until 2:15 in front of this stupid thing. The upside is that I got my invoicing done. The downside is that if I'd gotten out of bed at a decent hour, I could have done both. How many times do we need to learn lessons?

I made it outside to run errands that I did by foot, which ended up being irritating because the postal outlet didn't take cash and my bank is jerking me around with being unable to understand how to replace my debit card that they cancelled because of some security breach (comforting).

But later, as I was sitting down to eat a good dinner that was made by TM and I after we got home from an afternoon walk, I thought to myself, "If my biggest worries are about how to get at my money, I'm really blessed, because I could have none to get at." After I requested it, TM and I have started taking a few minutes before we eat meals together to think about what it is we're grateful for, and I love that these few minutes give me a chance to have reality checks like this. I always feel so awkward doing it; it leads me to think back to the family graces before meals that always felt routine and empty to me growing up. I'm glad I have this time to think about all the ways in which my life is so filled with goodness and abundance so that I don't forget for too long that my little petulant fits about nothing are also another indulgence I have the ability to use. Now I have to get to where I don't need/want to use indulgences like that...indulgences that add no happiness or value or worth to life at all.

I may be working on that until I keel over.

But until then, I have some tomorrows that I can use to try. Tomorrow is Day 23, and I have 2 appointments.

Days 17 - 20

Phew. Days 17-20 (or Tuesday through Friday of last week) ended up being semi-as-I-predicted: a lot less like gainful unemployment than pseudo employment. I worked 6 or 7 hours a day every day except for Thursday and Friday, which involved travelling to Montana and then getting up in front of sometimes curious and sometimes skeptical audiences for 2 presentations and a workshop. I was so beat as I flew home on Saturday, but of course my mind was not in rest mode so it kept ticking away while my eyes checked their lids for cracks. Put another way, if my eyes were my mouth at that point, I would describe them as slack-jawed.

Cute analogies aside, I thought about how I was still considering myself unemployed, but was quite obviously working and getting compensated for that work. But it doesn't fit into what the box of employment had heretofore looked like to me. I'm interested in what I'm doing. I get to pick what it is I do, and say no to anything I don't want to do. I only get paid if I actually do something; just showing up and being a warm body in a chair for a certain number of hours doesn't count.

It really wouldn't be so bad to do this, unless there was nobody that wanted me to do any work for them.

I'm just starting to settle back in after a fast weekend - getting picked up in the airport and twirled around by TM like we were in the movies, as others smiled (and maybe snickered) around us. Then sock and snowshoe shopping. I replaced all of my socks. Being gainfully unemployed, I've had lots of time to notice how the socks that I wear do absolutely nothing to keep my feet warm, which leaves them feeling like glaciers. After being educated by my backpacker fiance, we went and bought me hiking socks made of corn and organic wool. This was the first time in my life that I've bought any clothing that wasn't a bargain basement deal, that I focused on the quality of the cltohes. It was a paradigm shifting moment. Shoes are next. The rest of the weekend ensued - relaxation, walking, going here and there, etc.

I haven't thought too much more about what it is that I'm doing, but tomorrow (Monday, Day 21) I think I'm going to have to. I have 3 meetings in a row tomorrow and they are all related to one another and to what I just finished doing in Montana...the timing seems "coincidental."

Days 15 & 16

Day 15 was Friday, the all-hallowed day of American workers everywhere. It of course is holding less of a worshippable position for me these days, but I still have a fondness for the day. I went to the gym in the morning and this old man named Bill came up and asked me about what the parking was like outside (I didn't know because I walked) and then started to tell me about what it was like in Singapore when he was there for military service and how he liked their disciplinary policies, how much he loved kids and how he fed homeless guys hot dogs every Tuesday at noon, and went to schools to tell kids who homeless people actually were. Then he invited me to come Tuesday at noon to feed the homeless guys hotdogs and said that I'd get to have one also when we were done serving. I asked him if they had veggie dogs and he laughed and said that he really couldn't get all fancy about it. I might go.

Then I had to go home and do some WORK! Am I still gainfully unemployed if I'm working on things I'll get paid for eventually? Hard to say.

Either way, I lolled about over the weekend as usual (planned the wedding with TM all day on Saturday, ate too much fritter on Sunday morning and paid for it the rest of the day) and woke up Monday morning in a stew. I got down to business: worked all day on PowerPoints, speeches, phone calls, etc. for the Montana gig. And the parts of the day I didn't spend doing that, I made phone calls and wrote emails to new people for new appointments, took care of loose ends, etc. It was a very businessy day. I kind of have this strange feeling that my gainful unemployment is taking a different turn. I think this week will have a strange feel since I will be preparing Mon-Wed for the Montana presentations on Thursday and Friday.

Day 14

Today was much better than yesterday. I got my ass in gear and wrote down some ideas I am having for volunteering. I have it narrowed down to 1) a women's shelter or reproductive rights kind of place, 2) the food stuff, or 3) starting a community writing center for high school kids and adults. I'd have to see if there was already one around, other than the one GVSU has for its students. So now I just have to do it.

Then after I did this, I went to a coffee shop to do some work for the upcoming Montana trip. It was so great to be OUT! I realized that after the huge snowstorm last weekend, I haven't really gotten out of the house because I went into hibernation mode. If I want to not slip into a depressive funk like the one I was going into yesterday, I need to be out and about. And that might require not hanging on to every last penny I have out of the fear that I will never be able to find a job and spending the money for a coffee to use the free wireless every place has. It was so wonderful to be around people and hear hustle and bustle around me while I worked.

I didn't work for too long. Instead, I realized I needed to find something to wear for TM's annual work party that is this weekend. I've put it off because I'm not a fan of shopping, especially on a fixed (make that "no") income. But, I went out and found a cute dress, and I bought a couple muffins and brought them out to TM's work for a cup of afternoon tea with him. I bought bran muffins so that he could eat a Michigan one and then understand when we go to NYC together why I rave about NYC bran muffins.

Tomorrow I'll have to really bust out the work. What an odd feeling.

Day 13

Today was not the best unemployed day I've ever had. I wrote that newsletter article early in the morning and then went to the gym and worked out and got home and thought to myself, "Now what?" I farted around and didn't do much and didn't feel motivated to do much. I felt lethargic and like I was coming down with a cold. TM got home and was going to head out to tutor his mentees and I was going to go to a discussion about the government, and just didn't want to. I am just worried and I have too much time for just myself but I can't settle on what kind of community involvement I want to have, and I really don't have any idea who is going to hire me when I want to actually get a job. And then I felt guilty.

This gainful unemployment shtick is such a ridiculous luxury. How many people in the world take the time to do whatever it is they feel like doing? And am I using it to its full potential? Or am I just dicking around? If I'm going to have the opportunity to do it, I better not waste it. I come from a rural, upper working/lower middle class background and I know that life can be a lot harder than this. My life has been harder than this. Life will probably get a hell of a lot harder than this. So I better appreciate this and suck all the joy and worth out of it that I possibly can.

But right now I'm just not in the mood.

Day 12

Today I had some paying work to get done. Mind you, I still consider myself gainfully unemployed. I am just picking up little bits of work to tide myself over financially that I won't mind (and will quite possibly even enjoy) doing. I am writing an article for a newsletter, and had set the interview that I needed to do for the newsletter for 8:30 AM. I know, I know...what gainfully unemployed person sets anything up for 8:30 AM? Apparently, this one. I made up for the early meeting time because TM and I forgot to turn the alarm on and I woke up in a panic at 8, swearing as I leapt out of bed and running to put my contacts in and brush my teeth. "This is the only thing I've had to do in weeks and I'm going to be late!" Luckily it was a breakfast meeting; I become subhuman without breakfast. One of the things that I liked about working was that it got me up earlier and now that I'm "used" to it, I like having more day in which to revel in the fact that I'm alive and able to be irritated by things like putting too much basil in my eggs or getting up too late to have time for a little mascara.

We met at Marie Catrib's, one of Grand Rapids' local food restaurants. I had turkish coffee and a yummy apple pear tart that came with their potatoes and I tried really hard to make sure she didn't notice the one piece of potato that I forked and sent skittering across the table and shooting onto the floor, scattering my hot sauce everywhere. It just didn't seem like something I should draw attention to. Anyway, aside from that the interview went well and our conversation about Grand Rapids put a little fire back into me for doing this networking thing.

Things in my life tend to happen after I do a lot of work that doesn't seem to be paying off. And then all of a suddent, boom, out of nowhere something starts going right. I usually chalk it up to dumb luck until I take the time to map back how the decisions I made and work that I put into a variety of factors contributed to this "stroke of luck." I think right now I'm in the middle of that "I'm doing all this stuff and nothing really seems to be paying off" feeling. And even though I recognize that this may be what's happening, I still possess the wonderful ability to talk myself out of it and think that this time might be an exception. I once heard a wise person say that the "what ifs" and "if onlys" are what keep us from the depth of joy we should have and the true freedom that is ours, which we feel we don't have because we rescind them on a daily basis to our worries and our doubts. I believe this is true. I am in wonder that I can believe one thing and still feel a fear stemming from something whose opposite I believe.

Days 10 & 11

Day 10 I'm sort of skipping, because all I did was get up late, go and take my sweet fiance out to a lunch that he paid for (I am gainfully unemployed, after all!) , and then come home to nap and read. Then I geared up for the real work of the day: finding a place to grocery shop that had a good mix of local and organic foods. I am also learning how to bake bread which is simultaneously easier than I thought while being just as difficult as I imagined. I have to admit that one of my favorite parts, aside from the therapy of kneading, is making the little divot for the yeast to sit in.

Day 11, our dear friend Monday, was another day all to myself. We got snowed in here in Grand Rapids over the weekend and the roads were still treacherous. The Blizzard of 2007, as our catchphrase crazy media dubbed it, froze up after dumping snow so the salt wasn't melting anything on the roads. I don't know what the news crews are going to do if there's another blizzard in 2007 but hopefully they'll be able to be creative enough to make up another name. My favorite headline was today's, "No relief in sight!" And this is after everyone has bitched about there not being any snow and how unnerving it was to be so warm and mild in Michigan this time of year. I wonder if journalists sit around and ask, if we aren't complaining or alarming people, are we going to run out of things to write about? I wonder if us media consumers like to take part so much in the mass gossipping and fear-mongering that our consumption patterns make news writers believe this is what we want. I wonder how much longer I could rant about the media on a blog that's suppose to be about gainful unemployment, not media reform.

Back to the topic. I decided to brave the icy roads and drive to meet my dear friend for a cup of coffee just west of Lansing simply because I miss her terribly. I miss all of my friends terribly, to be quite honest. One of the things I've discovered about being gainfully unemployed in a new city is that it can be awfully lonesome. If I was working somewhere right now, I would automatically be assured a good dose of human interaction for about 8 hours a day. Right now, I really have to work hard at being ok with having so much alone time, and really have to make my human interaction time a priority instead of something that is just there. It's another thing I've learned that I have taken for granted in the past. Even if there were some people at my previous workplaces whose status of "human being" I was unsure about, generally there were at least a few people whose company I enjoyed. It's become obvious to me how important conversations, shit-shooting, relationships, soap boxing, and general everyday chit chat really are to me...and I'm also realizing that it's important to have this with a range of people. I am guaranteed right now to have face to face interaction with 2 people a day (the people I live with). But I really think I need more than that, even though I love those 2 people dearly. I think I may like people and hearing what they have to say more than I thought. I may be a tidge less of an introvert than I thought. How odd.

Days 8 & 9

Day 9 isn't over yet; I still have yoga to go to tonight. And of course, dear old Day 8 has come and gone. I'm watching more snow coming down just outside the dining room window where I'm sitting to write this, and I'm feeling very content and at peace. I got back from the high of this weekend in a great mood, and was surprised on Tuesday to be slammed with trepidition. It felt like things were slowing down; I didn't have any more meeting scheduled, I was unsure of myself, I didn't really know again what I was doing.

What if they revived the debtor's prison and I ended up dying in there, cold and alone?

Yesterday I waited and waited for people to respond to emails and phone calls, requesting the pleasure of their company and good ideas over a cup of coffee. After waking up late and having bizarre nightmares, I went out on walks and went to the YMCA, where I now have a membership, to do some yoga. I was in a major funk because of some correspondence I'd had with a dear friend. Yoga didn't feel good to me, because it was different than the teacher I usually have, which is that dear friend, who I no longer live a short distance from. The instructor seemed like she had it scripted everything she had to say, and I got more of a physical workout than the body and mental "ahhh" and opening that I do yoga for. Nobody emailed me back or called me. I spent the day fretting over how to respond to my friend and over my future, which seemed to be darkening before my melodramatic, impatient eyes.

I went to a movie/lecture called "How to Eat Local in Michigan in the Winter" at the Wealthy Street Theatre. This lifted my spirits a little. I'm happy to be falling into the local food scene here more and more, and realized last night that food might be a sustaining issue for me for life. Maybe. In any case, I always feel drawn to it.

This morning I woke up with TM instead of sleeping late and made him breakfast and some coffee in the French press, sweetened with whipping cream and maple syrup. I sat down and worked on a letter to my friend and when I finally finished, I closed it on my computer, looked outside at the big fat snowflakes, and went for a long walk. I love living in a city with a big river. I bought a newspaper and then stood on one of the bridges, listening to the echo of the cars reverberate underneath the bridge and bounce down to the streaming yellow chunks of ice.

When I got home, I got on the phone and hashed out some points of business, but more importantly, I solidified the start of a new friendship. If I was feeling refreshed before, this totally puffed the wind back into my sails. I laughed to myself at the name of a person I'm supposed to interview next week for a small piece of contract work: it's the same person I received a voicemail about from one of my previous contacts, telling me I should call her to talk about Grand Rapids and what I'm doing here! I called her up, and we laughed together and set up a time for next week for breakfast, an interview for the story I'll be writing, and a conversation about community and happenings.

Then it was time for the most important part of the day: shoveling. I got outside and worked up such a sweat that I ended up taking my jacket off! I shoveled and shoveled and my arms were aching and my head was in tune with just the motions of what I was doing, turning over the events of the last few days almost as a sidenote that I wasn't paying much attention to. I watched some fellow shovelers chatting with one another, and then one of the neighbors came over with his little daughter and introduced himself, and we talked for a while. After he left, I leaned on my shovel for a bit of a break and thought to myself, what a great life I'm living right now. What an absolutely great life.

Before this stretch of gainful unemployment, I have always fit my life around my job or my schoolwork. That is over now. My job is going to have to fit my life from now on. I realized I haven't been bored once. Every day I'm busy and contemplative and meeting people and exercising almost without thinking and writing. Every day I feel nourished and even when anxious, at peace. Every day I am taken care of, and every day something good happens, and every day I feel I've been productive and have taken steps to live my life in a way that's more meaningful. Why would I ever want to work at a job I hated ever again, when life is this good?

And then I came in and made chocolate chip cookies.