Days 21 & 22

Monday was a triple whammy. I had a meeting with the fellow who oversees the Greater Grand Rapids Food Systems Council, and then had a meeting with the executive director of the organization it's a part of, West Michigan Environmental Action Council. Then, I went to lunch with the executive director of Mixed Greens, who I'd met with a couple weeks ago, to talk about framing the food system. Between her and her husband and I, we had an interesting conversation about communication, food, liberals and conservatives and framing, and what it might look like to have all the food activists in Grand Rapids come together. I left feeling so excited - like I might be on to something that would either turn into a job or be a great way to be involved in my new community. I also may have found a spot for the community garden TM wants to start!

I came home and made some phone calls and talked with some other people about the idea and that stupid familiar feeling of but this will never really work...I can't do it...it's too much for me set in. I don't understand why that defeatist attitude always descends. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing, which exacerbates my defeatism and depressive nature like clockwork. I'm talking atomic clockwork.

I woke up on Tuesday still in this funk...so instead of getting up and exercising I lolled in bed, only partially grateful for my chance to sleep in after several days of little sleep. It was a beautiful and warm day, one of those wonderful reprieves we get in Michigan this time of year, and I wanted to get outside and enjoy it. Instead, I had all kinds of piddly little things I've let go by the wayside, and needed to tie some things up, so I spent until 2:15 in front of this stupid thing. The upside is that I got my invoicing done. The downside is that if I'd gotten out of bed at a decent hour, I could have done both. How many times do we need to learn lessons?

I made it outside to run errands that I did by foot, which ended up being irritating because the postal outlet didn't take cash and my bank is jerking me around with being unable to understand how to replace my debit card that they cancelled because of some security breach (comforting).

But later, as I was sitting down to eat a good dinner that was made by TM and I after we got home from an afternoon walk, I thought to myself, "If my biggest worries are about how to get at my money, I'm really blessed, because I could have none to get at." After I requested it, TM and I have started taking a few minutes before we eat meals together to think about what it is we're grateful for, and I love that these few minutes give me a chance to have reality checks like this. I always feel so awkward doing it; it leads me to think back to the family graces before meals that always felt routine and empty to me growing up. I'm glad I have this time to think about all the ways in which my life is so filled with goodness and abundance so that I don't forget for too long that my little petulant fits about nothing are also another indulgence I have the ability to use. Now I have to get to where I don't need/want to use indulgences like that...indulgences that add no happiness or value or worth to life at all.

I may be working on that until I keel over.

But until then, I have some tomorrows that I can use to try. Tomorrow is Day 23, and I have 2 appointments.