Day 38

I haven't been writing as much in this blog as I was at the start because I lose interest in things after a while. Perhaps it's a sign that I am more a part of my disaffected, ADD generation than I thought. The newness of unemployment has worn off, and I've started asking some different questions as I feel the craving for employment rising like bile in the back of my throat. I jokingly said to someone else the other day that I was ready for another job because I wanted to "be able to bitch about my job and the people I worked with like everybody else." I'd love to be miserable just like everybody else; it's so familiar and is the glue that cements our hideous excuses for acquaintance-based social circles. When in doubt, start bitching about the personal suffering you created for yourself by agreeing to act in a system you bought into before giving it a hard look.

Dark social commentary aside, I've started asking things like:

Why am I ready for a job now? Need for social interaction. Need to pay off student loans.

What kind of job do I want? One where I get to go to work, do interesting stuff with at least a few interesting people, and come home and not think about it much unless I feel like it. One where I don't have to work ridiculous new-American-industrial-age hours. One where I can take time off according to my idea of time off, whether that's paid or not.

What kind of work do I want? I still don't know.

Why don't I know, after a biblical almost-40 day period of soul-searching, what kind of work I want? Is it that I could be happy doing a lot of things, or that I would be happiest as a societal separatist...a wacko farming with my beloved, clothed in a burlap sack? Maybe. But I think I'd prefer a cashmere sack in the winter and a bamboo sack in the summer. Maybe it's because I still don't have a good idea of all that there is that's out there.

Why is it that I'm still concerned about appearing successful (having an important-sounding job that does social good while getting paid enough not to be a pauper), especially when some of the successful people who I don't want to "let down" are some that are the most miserable? Because I clearly still have some internal work to do.

How stressed out am I going to be if by April I still don't have a job? It depends on if it's warm enough to be hanging out at the beach during the day.

On the bright and unrelated side, I have found biocompostable flatware for the picnic reception at TM's and my upcoming nuptuals. It is by far my favorite part of the planning so far.