One last thought...

I know this blog is officially "done" but would it really be my blog if I didn't break protocol somehow? I was emailing with a friend about the end of GU and what had happened in my life and we were talking about how nutty it can be where you end up; you really, really never know where life will take you. And he summed up in 6 words what took me 50+ days to trip over to figure out - in 6 words, stated the best way I think you could possibly live life:

Be free, be honest, be you.

Thanks, Ricardo.

Day 58

It's time to end Gainful Unemployment. Did I find a job? Nope. A job found me. It's not really taking the form I expected, because I have no employer. I'm just responsible for myself, and sometimes I get paid and sometimes I don't. I've decided I'm no longer unemployed for these reasons:

1) Contract work is picking up and keeping me busy - and paying the bills. I actually have submitted proposals now instead of hoping someone remembers me and thinks up some work for me to do.
2) I have steady volunteering hours at Second Harvest Gleaners and The Learning Corner. The nice thing is that I just don't go in if I don't feel like it.
3) I am working for free with the Grand Rapids food reform folks on trying to build up their internal network and communication with each other.
4) I am going to start doing some volunteering with the Community Media Center here, and might possibly teach some classes there on documentary filmmaking (this is TBD).

Life doesn't look like what I imagined it would a few months ago when I started this blog, but I think that's a good thing. I'm glad that I got to be surprised. I've learned a lot of things in my stint of unemployment, and I'll put a few of them out here:

• Taking the leap was worth it. It just might always be worth it. -- It was a huge leap for me to up and quit my job and move in with TM and BA and hope that it all worked out. I've never risked so much before, and my life is scads better than it was a while ago, minus still missing my friends. Yes, scads. I may have made the word up but it conveys the enormity of the situation.
• The only way to worry less about money and having a job is to not make any and not have one for a while. -- I struggled a lot with understanding that worry does no good but still feeling it these last months. After facing a lot of the things that scare me enough to worry about and seeing that it's not the end of the world and noticing once again that Somehow, Everything Will Work Out, I've started worrying less. Yoga Journal would have you believe that you can 3-step meditate your way out of worry and the things that bind you, and old-way Christians would tell you to "give it to Jesus," but I think the only way to worry less is to get face to face with what scares you. Yesterday I heard that a contract that I thought was pretty much a shoe-in I may not get after all. I felt a prick of concern, and then realized that if I didn't get it, I could feel let down but then move on. A week ago I hadn't even heard about the contract - how could it really make or break life?
• Success is lame. -- At least, my old definition of success was lame. My old defintion had a lot more to do with living up to someone else's expectations, someone else's dreams, someone else's idea of success, some American version of success that was all tied in with money and cyclical spending, some version of success that confused being with doing, rather than it did with anything like living for things bigger than myself and true freedom. True freedom. Freedom from greed, from desire. Freedom to say, "I thought this would work and it isn't, so I'm changing." Freedom to quit. Freedom to stop being selfish. Freedom to love. Freedom to be outside of boxes and labels (e.g., nonreligious/spiritual/Buddhist/Christian, etc. e.g., vegetarian/meat-eater/pescatarian/slow foodie/locavore/vegan, etc.. e.g., unemployed/self-employed/employed. e.g., success/failure/climber/Yuppie/dues-payer.)
  
• I still have a ton of work to do. -- I was nosing around on Facebook this afternoon, checking out what jobs all my friends I haven't talked to in a while are doing. Most of them sound like they're doing really cool stuff, and I got a little worried about if my life was boring or if I sound like a failure in comparison. Have I not learned anything? Why am I so...so...human?

I'm not sure what I'll be up to next, but I'm sure there will be a new blog at some point. I always seem to have some kind of learning bent. I'll probably post random bits back at nurkdenflurn until the next focused writing. I'll make sure to link it up when that happens. Thanks to those of you who read, commented, supported, commiserated, and pushed me!